Institutional Memory
by PrettyLiterallyNelle
Summary: My continuation of what could have happend after Danny asked CJ that heartbreaking question during their heated discussion. "You don't even see me in the picture, do you?" Angst/Hurt/Comfort/Friendship/Drama/Romance
1. Chemicals React

4

"**The chemicals react…"**

**-Ally & AJ **_**Chemicals React**_

"You don't even see me in the picture do you?" The expression on her face told Danny everything. She didn't see him sharing a life with her. That's what hurt him most.

She stood there with the same look plaguing her pretty features, as though she never once gave into thought about them together. The small, velvet crimson box in his coat pocket was forgotten when CJ still said nothing to him.

'_**And just like that…watch the chemicals react.'**_

"I didn't think so. Get back to work Claudia-Jean." He said this flatly, his voice void of any emotion. Danny told himself he would never stop loving this woman, and he wouldn't, but he didn't know how long he could wait for her. He'd been waiting for nearly six years. He didn't know how much longer he could.

Danny stepped forward, placing his hands on her shoulders, and reaching up to gently kiss her forehead. Her facial expression still hadn't changed, but there were tears swimming in her emerald orbs. Heavyhearted, Danny backed up, turned, and walked away.

'_**You make me feel, out of my element, like I'm drifting out to the sea. Like the tides pulling me in deeper. Making it harder to….breathe…'**_

'_We cannot deny how we feel inside. We __**cannot **__deny…' _The lyrics to the Ally and AJ song kept swirling around in his head. Danny had heard it multiple times on the radio in his beat up Chevy pick-up. He never knew a song could convey his feelings so well.

Maybe he shouldn't have left CJ on her own on the curb of a busy street, what with her being blind by tears, but she made herself clear that she didn't need him. He shook his head, and angrily shoved his hands into his pockets, instantly coming into contact with the ring box.

He was going to propose to her. Of course he knew that now she couldn't wear it, but he'd put a chain in the bottom of the box for her to wear around her neck. It was simple yet elegant. Like CJ in a way he guessed. Most of the time anyway. The ring was silver, since she didn't strike him as a gold person, set with emerald and two small diamonds on either side. He'd also inscribed it. _To seven years of hide-and-seek. ~Danny. _That was basically how they'd had to play their relationship, like a game. A game of hide-and-seek. Toby, Leo, and the President were the seekers, and Danny and CJ were the only ones hiding in the game.

He stopped as suddenly there was a loud screeching noise, that of rubber straining against asphalt, and then a boom and a shattering of glass. His mind instantly flew to CJ.

Danny bolted back down the sidewalk, instantly he noticed the cars backed up for nearly a mile. His heart raced as he neared the car, billowing with smoke that nearly a dozen people surrounded. He pushed past the murmuring bystanders, falling to his knees when he saw the familiar tan, Egyptian cotton Gucci coat covered in the wine colored liquid.

Gently he rolled her over, seeing the blood matted in her hair and covering the open cuts on her forehead. He held back a wave of nausea the sight of his best friend. He sat beside her cradling her form as best he could without moving her. Frantically he looked up at the people around them.

"Someone call an ambulance!" He shrieked. He couldn't fathom why they wouldn't have already. It was making him angry that they just stood and starred, waiting for someone else to do the obvious. "Oh, CJ, it's going to be okay. Hold on, just hold on…"

"_**I'm alive…"**_

_**-Flyleaf **_

She could feel it all around her, thickening the air she breathed.

Everything around her was an unidentifiable blur. Each time she opened her eyes it was like being on a _Tilt-a-Whirl. _She can't remember what happened, were she was, or who she was for that matter.

Wherever she was it felt warm, and she was oddly comfortable. But everything ached and she could taste what smelled like blood. It was loud, each cacophonic sound worsening her headache.

She could hear voice, very faint, but they were there. One in particular seemed close. It was a man. It sounded like he was crying, and repeating the name CJ over and over again. She assumed that _CJ_ was her.

Every one of her limbs was too heavy to lift. She tried to open her eyes again but her head screamed in belated protest. So, her lids slipped closed, and she succumbed to the darkness that pulled at her consciousness…

-The West Wing-

She was warm again where she was now, and it seemed her pain had ebbed.

Somewhere there was an incessant beeping, and if her head wasn't so clouded, she thought that maybe, she could decipher where she was now. All she knew was she needed to open her eyes.

It was bright, the room bathed in the piercing light. Blinking a few times she looked to her right to see a redheaded man in blue hospital scrubs. He was looking out of the window beside her bed.

"Doctor?" Her own voice didn't sound familiar to her.

Quickly the man turned to her and broke into a grin. He took two giant strides over to her bed and reached to grasp her hand. She speedily retracted it, eliciting a confused and somewhat hurt expression from him. His blue eyes softened.

"CJ, it's me Danny? You're in the hospital. It's alright." He reached for her hand again but she pulled it away. "CJ…don't ya know me?"

The man looked at her as if she were supposed to recognize him. She looked hard at him. Something about him seemed familiar, but she couldn't place him. Everything was blank when she looked at him. Nothing rang a bell.

"I'm sorry….do I know you?"

He blinked and then scrunched his eyes at her. CJ couldn't read him, not that she really could before, but he was definitely upset.

"Doctor!" Her ran to the door, looking both ways before disappearing into the hallway. A few minutes later, he came back with what she assumed was an actual doctor.

"How're you feeling ?" She was a blond older woman, nonetheless pretty. Her green eyes sparkled with kindness.

"My head hurts a bit," she answered the woman.

"Okay, I'll get you something for that. We're going to keep you overnight to keep an eye on you, ok?" She caught a glimpse of her nametag, Dr. Helen Gaites. The clipboard she held had a pile of papers clipped on it. "Can I speak to you in the hall, ?"

CJ looked at the distraught man. He looked at her compassionately, and then nodded to the doctor solemnly. "Of course."

He then was led out of the room. She concluded they'd not gone far, she could hear a bit of their conversation.

"…_.suggested that there was a bit of damage done to the frontal lobe. All the other tests came back normal. She has a bit of swelling in the lobe as well, but the antibiotics we're giving her are going to bring that down."_

There was a shuffle, and what she thought was a sniffle.

"_Will she…will she remember again?" _He paused. _"Will her memory come back?"_

There was an elongated pause as she heard some papers being scuffled.

"_I cannot guarantee she'll get it back, but it's a possibility. These are rare cases , and everyone is different…" _

"_Right…" _He sighed, and took a deep breath.

"_We can only hope for the best…"_

"_Hope..excuse me…I've gotta make a phone call…"_

CJ heard two sets of footsteps and assumed the doctor had left. Danny had appeared in the doorway, his cell to his ear.

"Hey Toby, it's Danny…"


	2. It's all about feelings

5

"_**It's all about feelings…"**_

_**-Angel Macias 'The Perfect Game'**_

Though Tobias Zielger would never admit it, he did cry. Now was one of those times he wanted to.

He'd just gotten off the phone with Danny, and found out that CJ was alright, but couldn't remember anything. When the reporter had told him that she'd been struck by a car, he wanted to reach in the phone, and punch him in the nose. Toby knew it wasn't Danny's fault; he had to take his anger out on someone.

Had Josh leant a little bit closer to him while he was driving; the who'd just lead them to CJ's room, would've had to set his nose. Toby deduced that he eventually would be guilty later on.

"Tobias Ziegler, whatever are you doing here?" CJ smiled her charming toothy grin from where she lay upright in the hospital bed, her feet nearly dangled off the end. Toby walked into the private room.

"I thought you said she couldn't, uhm, remember?" He whispered to Danny who stood near the door. Toby could tell that CJ didn't exactly feel comfortable with him standing as close as he usually did to her. He cleared his throat, watching as the reporter approached her bedside.

"CJ where do you remember Toby from?" The man's blue eyes were searching the woman's green ones for answers.

"Fr-from my back yard? You showed up on my patio? Don't you remember, when I-I…," her face had contorted into a confused expression. "I don't remember, but I…I think I know you. It hurts to try and remember…" Tobias watched as she reached a hand to her head, her doe-like eyes widening in nervousness. The look of innocence he saw in her eyes made him want to curl up and die. This wasn't CJ, at least not wholly.

"It's okay, CJ. Just relax. It's not important. What is important is that I'm here for you."

There was only soft murmuring as Danny had suggested that she turn on the small TV that hung beside her bed for a little while. She complied, not taking her eyes off the man as he handed her the remote. Toby couldn't take seeing her like this.

When he had her situated, Danny turned and came to stand next to Toby, sighing.

"The doctors say when she'd…get it back?"

"Uh, no. They said these are rare cases, amnesia caused by trauma to the brain. said that it could, or it couldn't. It's a 50/50 chance…" The younger man grunted, and Toby could tell he'd been fighting the undeniable urge to cry.

"Toby…," CJ called from her spot.

Instantly he trotted to her side. He set his hand on her shoulder. "What is it, Claudia?"

She looked at him and then pointed to the screen. _Fox 2 News _was playing on the screen; a video montage of her was briefings and public appearances were presented on the backdrop behind the host. Obviously a reporter had been out and witnessed the accident.

"Asinine."

"What?" Danny moved to view the television. "Oh, gosh."

There was a long silence that followed their short cursing session. All the while he hadn't paid attention to CJ who beside him was trying to decipher if it was actually her, or it was a joke.

"I-is that me?" She pointed to the screen and then let her hand fall to her chest.

"Yes, it's you Claudia-Jean." Toby sighed.

"But, I…I don't look like that…" She squinted at the screen. "I look...my hair's red, a-and curly. I don't have that many wrinkles….do I?"

"CJ, what's the last thing you remember?" Both Toby and Danny starred hard at her, awaiting her answer. "You said you remember me showing up on your patio? By the pool? Do you remember anything after that?"

"Uhm. No. All I remember is seeing you, and falling into the pool…I'd lost my job that day right?"

Toby nodded. "Okay, what else? Anything else?"

"N-no. Eva-everything is so fuzzy…"

"That's okay, CJ. That's okay. Just, why…why don't you get some rest now?" He could tell that she'd had questions pertaining to what she'd seen on the idiot-box, but he'd wait till later to answer them. Right now, he needed to go and find Josh. He hadn't seen him since they'd driven over together. He needed to tell the young man that their best friend couldn't remember the past 6 and half years of her life.

came into the room a few moments later. She checked CJ's vitals and gave her another dose pain meds before heading back toward the door.

"Only on visitor can stay overnight in the room. Oh, and, your friends trying to damage our vending machine? If you can't stop him, I'll have to call security. Ta-ta, . You'll be out of here by tomorrow."

"Goody," she mumbled in response.

Toby shook his head to keep his tears at bay. CJ was definitely still there, she was just waiting for the right moment to come back.

"_**No one can go and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending…"**_

_**-Maria Robinson **_

He continued to bang on the unruly vending machine. Why? His _Goldfish _were stuck.

Joshua Lyman loved CJ Cregg. Though he'd never admit that to her face. He thought of her as a mother figure, someone who he shared his problems with. Now that she didn't remember him, it felt like he'd lost a best friend.

Josh kicked the box one last time and its' lights buzzed out. He leaned forward, letting his head bang against the glass. The memories of him and CJ at the White House bullpen vending machine came flooding back to him.

_-Flashback-_

"_Why do you always get the goldfish?" CJ and Josh usually frequented the vender for a snack when they both had nothing better to do. "I mean, salt isn't good for you?"_

_He watched as she bent over and plucked the cracker bag from the bin. She straightened, opened her snack, and held a handful above her mouth. She always dropped them in her mouth one-by-one with her head tilted back._

"_You really want to know why I like them." She looked down, talking with a mouthful. CJ was truly one of the boys. _

"_Yeah." He nodded, looking into her evergreen eyes that sparkled with childish wonder._

"_Even though you eat them and all their friends, the still smile back at you."_

_Josh laughed uncontrollably. CJ always had a way of making everyone crack a smile. He ripped open his __**'Snickers'**__ and chomped a big chunk off of the top, the caramel making his fingers sticky. _

_CJ chuckled as she watched her friend struggle to clean his hands with his tongue. He was like a little boy so much sometimes. She lifted his face to her smiling one with her slender fingers, gently brushing her fingers across his pimple ridden cheek. She squinted._

"_Chocolate causes acne 'mi amour'," she released his chin and ran her fingers through his dark chestnut curls. _

_Josh pawed curiously at the raised and swollen pimples. He pondered it. _

"_Here's a tip, don't each chocolate so much." She gave his bicep a squeeze before making her way back to her office._

_He stood still bewildered. _

"_You coming, pal-o-mine?"_

_He shook his head and responded, "Yeah."_

_So, he began to walk, after discarding his candy bar. _

_-End of Flashback-_

He hadn't had a single pimple since that day 5 years ago.

Josh wiped his wet cheeks, pulling himself up from where he'd sat down in front of the vending machine. He was the Deputy Chief-of-Staff to the President, and he was balled up like a hot mess, crying on the hospital floor.

"Ya know, throwing tantrums won't get your crackers."

"Hey Toby," Josh sniffled again swiping at his face. "How is CJ?"

He watched as the man shrugged, shuffled his feet, and placed his hands in his pockets. Tobias wasn't the type to be nervous around anyone. It was just the way he was, confident, proud, assured. But now was different.

"She's got a broken wrist, sprained ankle, a few stitched contusions on her head…," Joshua interrupted him.

"What about her memory?"

Toby sighed, and Josh knew it wasn't good. There was a pregnant pause before the former Communications Director spoke. His tone was mild.

"The doctors said her MRI, CT, and CAT scans were normal. They can't find any damage other than swelling in the frontal lobe. And they can't say _when _or _if _she'll get her memory back," his voice cracked.

But of course, as always, Toby cleared his throat and looked back at Josh. _'Always a rock.' _His face Josh noticed, was blank.

"Josh she can't remember the past 6 and a half years of her life…but I still think you should come see her."

Josh nodded and followed Toby.

He'd do whatever he could to help CJ remember again…


End file.
